Gray Nightingale (Aiya) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
experiencepoints) wrote2014-08-10 09:10 am
experiencepoints) wrote2014-08-10 09:10 am
(no subject)
signeg- college- "why even try"
This memory takes place while Aiya is in college. She is living in a small dorm, which she shares with Araj this semester. But perhaps more noticeably, the entire memory is permeated with a feeling of gray dullness- All emotional responses that she should have are just not happening.
It’s a daily routine, forcing herself out of bed to go to college- but she has to go, the concept of just not going hasn’t even occurred to her. Even so, even existing feels like a monumental effort, and so she generally just sleeps the days away. Go to class, come back, immediately just go to bed. Occasionally, Araj tries to make sure she’s okay, but Aiya forces a smile and just says she’s tired from all her classes. She doesn’t feel anything, but she knows, on some level, she still doesn’t want to make Araj sad, and explaining how she felt- or didn’t feel, rather- would definitely do that.
She sees Yura in class sometimes, too, but more often doesn’t. Yura occasionally tries to get her to go out to do something with her, but Aiya makes an excuse or just half-asses the trip. It feels like she just can’t put effort into anything anymore, like there’s no energy to put into feelings or trying. She is dimly aware on some level that her friends are worried, and that she’s growing apart from them, but it feels pointless to try to fix- she wouldn’t be able to anyway, she’d just make it worse, and maybe they’ll just stop expecting her to be functional so she can just sleep her life away.
Sometimes, she ends up staring at the homework she’s been assigned, unable to focus on it. Whenever she tries, her mind wanders, but there’s nothing for it to wander to, so she sits around with a gray fuzz in her mind. Sometimes she’ll force herself through it, other times she just can’t make it happen at all- this is the first time in her life she’s just not done what she’s been assigned. She makes feeble excuses at her professors, but they don’t really care- of course they don’t care.
Occasionally, out of habit, she sits down at her computer to check her grades, but when she sees the lowest grades of her life, she still can’t bring herself to care. The low numbers she sees are taken in her mind as just a confirmation that she can’t do anything right. It all seems so pointless, so she doesn’t even know why she should try for anything anymore.
But still, she goes through the motions, pretending she’s okay.
Notes: it's classified as a signeg, but given the feelings involved, it likely feels just like a trivneu. But, you know, what's happening in there is happening. So it's still a signeg once whoever gets it thinks about it.
This memory takes place while Aiya is in college. She is living in a small dorm, which she shares with Araj this semester. But perhaps more noticeably, the entire memory is permeated with a feeling of gray dullness- All emotional responses that she should have are just not happening.
It’s a daily routine, forcing herself out of bed to go to college- but she has to go, the concept of just not going hasn’t even occurred to her. Even so, even existing feels like a monumental effort, and so she generally just sleeps the days away. Go to class, come back, immediately just go to bed. Occasionally, Araj tries to make sure she’s okay, but Aiya forces a smile and just says she’s tired from all her classes. She doesn’t feel anything, but she knows, on some level, she still doesn’t want to make Araj sad, and explaining how she felt- or didn’t feel, rather- would definitely do that.
She sees Yura in class sometimes, too, but more often doesn’t. Yura occasionally tries to get her to go out to do something with her, but Aiya makes an excuse or just half-asses the trip. It feels like she just can’t put effort into anything anymore, like there’s no energy to put into feelings or trying. She is dimly aware on some level that her friends are worried, and that she’s growing apart from them, but it feels pointless to try to fix- she wouldn’t be able to anyway, she’d just make it worse, and maybe they’ll just stop expecting her to be functional so she can just sleep her life away.
Sometimes, she ends up staring at the homework she’s been assigned, unable to focus on it. Whenever she tries, her mind wanders, but there’s nothing for it to wander to, so she sits around with a gray fuzz in her mind. Sometimes she’ll force herself through it, other times she just can’t make it happen at all- this is the first time in her life she’s just not done what she’s been assigned. She makes feeble excuses at her professors, but they don’t really care- of course they don’t care.
Occasionally, out of habit, she sits down at her computer to check her grades, but when she sees the lowest grades of her life, she still can’t bring herself to care. The low numbers she sees are taken in her mind as just a confirmation that she can’t do anything right. It all seems so pointless, so she doesn’t even know why she should try for anything anymore.
But still, she goes through the motions, pretending she’s okay.
Notes: it's classified as a signeg, but given the feelings involved, it likely feels just like a trivneu. But, you know, what's happening in there is happening. So it's still a signeg once whoever gets it thinks about it.