Gray Nightingale (Aiya) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
experiencepoints) wrote2016-02-29 03:16 pm
experiencepoints) wrote2016-02-29 03:16 pm
(no subject)
Signeu: The morning after.
You wake up in a weird position. It's... physically comfortable, if nothing else. For some reason, your bed feels a lot warmer than normal. And your covers a lot heavier. And... There's something soft pressing into you... But through the pounding headache, you're not sure what's going on. You feel miserable, but at least it's feeling. You want this pain to be alleviated, and that's the biggest desire you've had in a long while.
You crack one eye open, and realize. You're in bed with Yura. You then realize she's naked. You then realize you're naked. Memories of last night manage to pierce through the headache, fuzzed as they are from the alcohol, and you realize what happened. You and Yura... slept together. And now you're in bed with her, curled up with her arms around you like it's the most natural thing in the world.
... It is, when you think about it. Yura's always been the one to be there for you. You didn't expect it would ever be in this way, but... Well. It makes sense. The closest thing to emotion you can muster anymore is physical reactions, and what was a bigger physical reaction than that?
And then you notice yellow eyes opening, not focusing on anything, and you can tell from the grimace she's just as hung over as you. There's the yellow sparkling glow of a Heal spell, and she gives a relaxed sigh, looking down back at you contentedly... And then she realizes. You can see her eyes widen, pupils narrowing into vertical pinholes, but then she relaxes with a smile and hugs you close.
"Morning, Aiya." is all she says. The yellow sparkles return, and you feel your headache clear, replaced by a soothing coolness. Honestly, the healing magic feels good enough that it almost makes the hangover worth it.
"... Good morning, Yura." Your response is almost mechanical. You can still see the flicker of some emotion in her eyes, but... What was it? It's gone almost instantly, and instead she just leaving a light kiss on your forehead, and pulling back the covers.
"I'm going to put on some tea. Do you want any?" Yura asks, pulling on her underwear, while you fumble around to try to find where your bra went. Not that you need one, you remind yourself. Honestly, you're wondering if Yura only did this out of pity. There's no way someone could be attracted to a figure like yours, all bones and no curves.
You snap out of it, remembering the question. Or, by this point, almost a tradition. Yura asks if you want something, you refuse, she just makes a bit too much, and you take it anyway. It happens often enough, you can practically recite the whole conversation.
"I'm okay, but thank you." You manage easily enough.
"I'll pour you a cup anyway, okay?" Yura finishes dressing and skips out of the room. You sit there, blinking in surprise. You knew she was going to whether or not you agreed, but... She usually at least pretends to accept what you say.
You manage to dress enough to get across the hallway back to your room, and actually wear proper clothes. Or... not proper at all, actually. You don't own much clothing, and you can't exactly afford to go out and buy more. You finally just pull on pajama pants and a loose t-shirt you think is actually Yura's. It's not like you plan on going anywhere, anyway.
As you change, you catch a look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are sunken, you have dark circles... You look like shit.
Soon, you're sitting on the couch, with your knees to your head and toes curling on the edge, nursing a cup of tea. Sweet and cold, it's how Yura likes it. The caffeine is supposed to help you wake up, but your mind is already working as well as something broken can. Caffeine can't make you not broken.
Yura sits on the other side of the couch, with her own mug. "So... How are you feeling?" She manages to venture. She's smiling, but you can see her ears laying flat. She's... worried. Anxious.
Feeling. That's the problem, isn't it?
"... Last night..." You start, but trail off, not sure what to say.
After a moment of your silence, Yura misunderstands, venturing: "Does last night... bother you? We can pretend it never happened. We were both drunk, after all. "
You shake your head. It didn't bother you. You're sure she's the one who should be bothered.
"What you said, last night..." Yura scrunches her eyebrows together, trying to remember. No surprise- she drank as much as you, after all.
"You said you love me." Yura's eyes widen, but she gets it under control, tilting her head, and you continue. "And... The proposal was just being drunk, I'm assuming." It's always harder to tell against her dark skin, but you can definitely see her blushing. Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that part.
"And...?" She prompts.
"Did you mean it?" You ask, not looking at her.
"I did." She responds quietly. You can feel her gaze on you.
She puts her tea down on the table, and your eyes follow her hands. She soon pulls your mug away and sets it down, too- You were basically done sipping at it, anyway. You can feel her warmth right next to you now, and... she waits.
As always. She's waiting for you.
Slowly, you turn to look up at her. And slowly, she leans in further, and...
You remember that this has happened before, many years ago. She kissed you, and it was so easy to just relax and lose yourself into it and kiss back, but you couldn't do it, you were too afraid. This time, it's so much easier. You don't care about anything, and that physical pleasure of it is enough.
But she breaks it off soon enough, looking right into your eyes. Under the pressure of that gaze, you turn back away.
"What do you want us to be?" You ask. You don't know what she wants anymore. Your best friend, and you can't even understand that much. You're a shitty friend. If it's just sex, at least you'll be capable of that, but...
"Happy." Is how she replies, settling next to you, shoulders touching.
"... You should have realized by now." You say. It comes out as almost an accusation, but with no force behind it. "I can't. I can't feel happiness anymore. I can't... feel at all."
"I know." Yura murmurs.
"That's why I wanted to sleep with you. That was the closest thing there is to feeling. I almost felt normal again." You keep going. You're not sure where this sudden source of words came from, but they're falling out of your mouth almost as fast as you can say them. "But I can't. No matter how you feel, I can't. I can't be your girlfriend, I can't love you back. I can't be what you deserve."
Even as you say it, you remember how you felt for her before. It's obvious now that that was love, but you were too much of a coward to go through with it. And now it's too late. You can't feel anything.
"So... If that's what you want, I'll only hurt you. Because I'm something broken. I'm... not okay. I can't be what you want."
It's strange to admit it, as detached as you are. But something changes in Yura's eyes, as she looks at you with... compassion? And she takes your hand in hers.
"... I don't know if I'm going about this right." Is the first thing she says, and you think that's unusual. Yura usually is always so self-assured. "And I might say some things that hurt, and I'm sorry. But..."
She sighs, and it's weird to hear that from someone like her. Yura, who's always so bright and upbeat, but always self-assured and a bit spoiled... And here, she sounds almost defeated.
"I've been hurting for a long time now." She says, and you look at her in dulled surprise. "No, that came out wrong. I've... been in love with you for a long time."
"... Since high school?" You venture, feeling her fingers lace through yours. Obviously, since you remember Full Moons' Night with her.
"Yeah. Maybe? I don't know exactly when... There wasn't really a moment where I realized. And... In high school, you turned me down." Her arm is slightly tense, but you don't move. "I was upset, sure, but... It's your choice to make, you know? If you didn't want that, then... It's not my place to do anything."
"So, I did my best to move on, and then we graduated. You seemed... like your heart had been broken, then, even though you'd done so amazingly."
You lower your head. "It wasn't good enough."
She leans her head on your shoulder. "It was more than good enough. Anyone should have been able to see that."
You can't respond.
"But... After we graduated, you know, you started to become so distant. I thought you were just trying to deal with things in your own way, so I tried to support you, but... I started seeing less and less of you. Even Araj, when you lived with her, barely saw you. We were so worried, but... It's not like we could force you. And when I did see you... It was like you weren't you anymore."
"What do you mean?" You ask. You're really not sure- You're you, right?
"I mean, you... I always could tell how you were feeling." Yura sighs, and again it seems so strange a sound to come from her. "And you always were really... expressive, you know? You'd scrunch your face up whenever you were thinking really hard, your eyes would light up whenever you solved a puzzle. Whenever you thought you weren't doing well enough, you could never look anyone in the eyes, but whenever someone praised you, I almost thought I could see a wagging tail. You never got mad at anything, and you always worked as hard as you could at everything..."
"But then, when you showed up at my doorstep, it was like... There was none of that left." She isn't looking at you, and her ears are flat against her head now- you can feel the discomfort. "It was like... Just an empty husk of my best friend. Like your soul was missing. And... I felt like I had to grieve, you know? I did what I could... I did everything I could to help you, but it felt like the girl I loved was gone forever, and I didn't know what to do."
"So you gave up?" You ask quietly. Giving up doesn't sound like Yura.
"I didn't know what else I could do. Once someone's gone, they can't come back, right?" Yura shakes her head. "But it was Cove who made me understand."
"Cove?"
"You never could keep your thoughts from her, remember?" She laughs a little, but it doesn't sound particularly happy. “I… felt awful, when I heard from her. That you couldn’t feel anything. And why you couldn’t feel anything.”
“Why…?”
“I’ve always disliked your parents, you know?” She presses forward, like she’s heading for some kind of end point she can already see. “It wasn’t just because of how they thought of me. I can deal with people not liking me, even if their reasons were stupid. But they put so much pressure on you, I didn’t like it, and I wanted to do whatever I could to alleviate that pressure… But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t know what they were putting you through, at your home. We never went over to your house much, and I thought it was so considerate that you didn’t want to subject us to your parents, but… That wasn’t really all of it, was it? You didn’t want us to see what was happening, because you had too much compassion for us.”
“But Cove… The first time she saw you after you moved in, she could tell, you know? And I was so mad at myself for not being able to tell, even though I’ve known you so much longer. She told me everything….” She pauses. “Sorry. I know it’s not our place to pry, if you don’t want to say it. I think it’s different for the merfolk, but… Anyway, that doesn’t matter. Once she explained what was going on, I hated them more than I’ve ever hated anything before. But she also told me something else, and I realized… You weren’t really gone. I could still see flashes of the real you under everything. Whenever I surprised you, or when you managed to do something to help, you sometimes… just for a second, and only every once in a while, but you looked like yourself again. So, I figured… If that’s the case, then you can get better. You can be yourself again.”
“i…” You can’t argue what she says. “I don’t know if I can. I might really be gone for good.”
Her arm is around your shoulders, hugging you close. “That’s the kind of line that makes me sure I’m right. That kind of worry and compassion is the real Aiya, you know.”
“And even if I can, it might take forever… Even you’ll get sick of me before then.”
“I won’t.” She sounds firm, and without realizing it, your positions have been reversed. Now your head is on her shoulder, with her head leaning on yours, and her hand stroking through your hair. “I’ll never give up on you, okay? No matter what it takes, I’ll bring you back. Even if I have to bring the moons down myself, I’ll make sure you can be happy again. And until then, I’ll do anything I can to make things better for you. If sleeping with me feels like feeling, then we can do that whenever you want. If there’s anything you want to do, just tell me and we’ll do it. If you feel like being selfish, then you’ve got a lifetime’s worth of selfishness that you’ve never used to catch up on, so do it, and I’ll go with any whim you have. We can show you movies, and amusement parks, and games, and all the fun things you’ve missed out on until now. You’ll just get better, one step at a time, okay?”
“And…” She continues, a little quieter. “If, in the end, when you’re better, if you decide you’d rather be with someone else? That’s okay. All I want is for you to be happy, and us to be together. If not romantically, then as friends. You’re important to me, and I love you, so…”
You can feel her fingers slide through your hair, and the tension in your shoulders relaxes at the comfortable sensation. You need to say something, but… All you can think about is a memory stirring in your mind.
“... I really did love you.” You murmur quietly.
“Huh?” Her fingers pause in surprise.
“Back in high school… Maybe before. I don’t know. I had been in love with you for a long time. I was just scared… Afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for you. Afraid of my parents. Afraid of taking any risks.” It’s weird to talk about how you used to feel, with that sense of detachment from emotions. “I think… What I wanted then, was for you to push me. Even though I had rejected you, to tell me it would be okay, and that you wanted me enough to overcome all that.”
Yura starts to say something, but you just shake your head. “I know it was stupid. You never did anything I didn’t want And… I knew that. I knew you wouldn’t when I said it. I didn’t even realize that’s what I had wanted until after. I’m kind of a pathetic mess like that, you know? I can’t be honest about what I want. I don’t even know what I want. Can you deal with that?”
“I can. As long as it takes. No matter what I have to do.” You relax into the feeling of her fingers combing through your hair.
“... Thank you…” Is all you can make yourself say.
You wake up in a weird position. It's... physically comfortable, if nothing else. For some reason, your bed feels a lot warmer than normal. And your covers a lot heavier. And... There's something soft pressing into you... But through the pounding headache, you're not sure what's going on. You feel miserable, but at least it's feeling. You want this pain to be alleviated, and that's the biggest desire you've had in a long while.
You crack one eye open, and realize. You're in bed with Yura. You then realize she's naked. You then realize you're naked. Memories of last night manage to pierce through the headache, fuzzed as they are from the alcohol, and you realize what happened. You and Yura... slept together. And now you're in bed with her, curled up with her arms around you like it's the most natural thing in the world.
... It is, when you think about it. Yura's always been the one to be there for you. You didn't expect it would ever be in this way, but... Well. It makes sense. The closest thing to emotion you can muster anymore is physical reactions, and what was a bigger physical reaction than that?
And then you notice yellow eyes opening, not focusing on anything, and you can tell from the grimace she's just as hung over as you. There's the yellow sparkling glow of a Heal spell, and she gives a relaxed sigh, looking down back at you contentedly... And then she realizes. You can see her eyes widen, pupils narrowing into vertical pinholes, but then she relaxes with a smile and hugs you close.
"Morning, Aiya." is all she says. The yellow sparkles return, and you feel your headache clear, replaced by a soothing coolness. Honestly, the healing magic feels good enough that it almost makes the hangover worth it.
"... Good morning, Yura." Your response is almost mechanical. You can still see the flicker of some emotion in her eyes, but... What was it? It's gone almost instantly, and instead she just leaving a light kiss on your forehead, and pulling back the covers.
"I'm going to put on some tea. Do you want any?" Yura asks, pulling on her underwear, while you fumble around to try to find where your bra went. Not that you need one, you remind yourself. Honestly, you're wondering if Yura only did this out of pity. There's no way someone could be attracted to a figure like yours, all bones and no curves.
You snap out of it, remembering the question. Or, by this point, almost a tradition. Yura asks if you want something, you refuse, she just makes a bit too much, and you take it anyway. It happens often enough, you can practically recite the whole conversation.
"I'm okay, but thank you." You manage easily enough.
"I'll pour you a cup anyway, okay?" Yura finishes dressing and skips out of the room. You sit there, blinking in surprise. You knew she was going to whether or not you agreed, but... She usually at least pretends to accept what you say.
You manage to dress enough to get across the hallway back to your room, and actually wear proper clothes. Or... not proper at all, actually. You don't own much clothing, and you can't exactly afford to go out and buy more. You finally just pull on pajama pants and a loose t-shirt you think is actually Yura's. It's not like you plan on going anywhere, anyway.
As you change, you catch a look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are sunken, you have dark circles... You look like shit.
Soon, you're sitting on the couch, with your knees to your head and toes curling on the edge, nursing a cup of tea. Sweet and cold, it's how Yura likes it. The caffeine is supposed to help you wake up, but your mind is already working as well as something broken can. Caffeine can't make you not broken.
Yura sits on the other side of the couch, with her own mug. "So... How are you feeling?" She manages to venture. She's smiling, but you can see her ears laying flat. She's... worried. Anxious.
Feeling. That's the problem, isn't it?
"... Last night..." You start, but trail off, not sure what to say.
After a moment of your silence, Yura misunderstands, venturing: "Does last night... bother you? We can pretend it never happened. We were both drunk, after all. "
You shake your head. It didn't bother you. You're sure she's the one who should be bothered.
"What you said, last night..." Yura scrunches her eyebrows together, trying to remember. No surprise- she drank as much as you, after all.
"You said you love me." Yura's eyes widen, but she gets it under control, tilting her head, and you continue. "And... The proposal was just being drunk, I'm assuming." It's always harder to tell against her dark skin, but you can definitely see her blushing. Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that part.
"And...?" She prompts.
"Did you mean it?" You ask, not looking at her.
"I did." She responds quietly. You can feel her gaze on you.
She puts her tea down on the table, and your eyes follow her hands. She soon pulls your mug away and sets it down, too- You were basically done sipping at it, anyway. You can feel her warmth right next to you now, and... she waits.
As always. She's waiting for you.
Slowly, you turn to look up at her. And slowly, she leans in further, and...
You remember that this has happened before, many years ago. She kissed you, and it was so easy to just relax and lose yourself into it and kiss back, but you couldn't do it, you were too afraid. This time, it's so much easier. You don't care about anything, and that physical pleasure of it is enough.
But she breaks it off soon enough, looking right into your eyes. Under the pressure of that gaze, you turn back away.
"What do you want us to be?" You ask. You don't know what she wants anymore. Your best friend, and you can't even understand that much. You're a shitty friend. If it's just sex, at least you'll be capable of that, but...
"Happy." Is how she replies, settling next to you, shoulders touching.
"... You should have realized by now." You say. It comes out as almost an accusation, but with no force behind it. "I can't. I can't feel happiness anymore. I can't... feel at all."
"I know." Yura murmurs.
"That's why I wanted to sleep with you. That was the closest thing there is to feeling. I almost felt normal again." You keep going. You're not sure where this sudden source of words came from, but they're falling out of your mouth almost as fast as you can say them. "But I can't. No matter how you feel, I can't. I can't be your girlfriend, I can't love you back. I can't be what you deserve."
Even as you say it, you remember how you felt for her before. It's obvious now that that was love, but you were too much of a coward to go through with it. And now it's too late. You can't feel anything.
"So... If that's what you want, I'll only hurt you. Because I'm something broken. I'm... not okay. I can't be what you want."
It's strange to admit it, as detached as you are. But something changes in Yura's eyes, as she looks at you with... compassion? And she takes your hand in hers.
"... I don't know if I'm going about this right." Is the first thing she says, and you think that's unusual. Yura usually is always so self-assured. "And I might say some things that hurt, and I'm sorry. But..."
She sighs, and it's weird to hear that from someone like her. Yura, who's always so bright and upbeat, but always self-assured and a bit spoiled... And here, she sounds almost defeated.
"I've been hurting for a long time now." She says, and you look at her in dulled surprise. "No, that came out wrong. I've... been in love with you for a long time."
"... Since high school?" You venture, feeling her fingers lace through yours. Obviously, since you remember Full Moons' Night with her.
"Yeah. Maybe? I don't know exactly when... There wasn't really a moment where I realized. And... In high school, you turned me down." Her arm is slightly tense, but you don't move. "I was upset, sure, but... It's your choice to make, you know? If you didn't want that, then... It's not my place to do anything."
"So, I did my best to move on, and then we graduated. You seemed... like your heart had been broken, then, even though you'd done so amazingly."
You lower your head. "It wasn't good enough."
She leans her head on your shoulder. "It was more than good enough. Anyone should have been able to see that."
You can't respond.
"But... After we graduated, you know, you started to become so distant. I thought you were just trying to deal with things in your own way, so I tried to support you, but... I started seeing less and less of you. Even Araj, when you lived with her, barely saw you. We were so worried, but... It's not like we could force you. And when I did see you... It was like you weren't you anymore."
"What do you mean?" You ask. You're really not sure- You're you, right?
"I mean, you... I always could tell how you were feeling." Yura sighs, and again it seems so strange a sound to come from her. "And you always were really... expressive, you know? You'd scrunch your face up whenever you were thinking really hard, your eyes would light up whenever you solved a puzzle. Whenever you thought you weren't doing well enough, you could never look anyone in the eyes, but whenever someone praised you, I almost thought I could see a wagging tail. You never got mad at anything, and you always worked as hard as you could at everything..."
"But then, when you showed up at my doorstep, it was like... There was none of that left." She isn't looking at you, and her ears are flat against her head now- you can feel the discomfort. "It was like... Just an empty husk of my best friend. Like your soul was missing. And... I felt like I had to grieve, you know? I did what I could... I did everything I could to help you, but it felt like the girl I loved was gone forever, and I didn't know what to do."
"So you gave up?" You ask quietly. Giving up doesn't sound like Yura.
"I didn't know what else I could do. Once someone's gone, they can't come back, right?" Yura shakes her head. "But it was Cove who made me understand."
"Cove?"
"You never could keep your thoughts from her, remember?" She laughs a little, but it doesn't sound particularly happy. “I… felt awful, when I heard from her. That you couldn’t feel anything. And why you couldn’t feel anything.”
“Why…?”
“I’ve always disliked your parents, you know?” She presses forward, like she’s heading for some kind of end point she can already see. “It wasn’t just because of how they thought of me. I can deal with people not liking me, even if their reasons were stupid. But they put so much pressure on you, I didn’t like it, and I wanted to do whatever I could to alleviate that pressure… But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t know what they were putting you through, at your home. We never went over to your house much, and I thought it was so considerate that you didn’t want to subject us to your parents, but… That wasn’t really all of it, was it? You didn’t want us to see what was happening, because you had too much compassion for us.”
“But Cove… The first time she saw you after you moved in, she could tell, you know? And I was so mad at myself for not being able to tell, even though I’ve known you so much longer. She told me everything….” She pauses. “Sorry. I know it’s not our place to pry, if you don’t want to say it. I think it’s different for the merfolk, but… Anyway, that doesn’t matter. Once she explained what was going on, I hated them more than I’ve ever hated anything before. But she also told me something else, and I realized… You weren’t really gone. I could still see flashes of the real you under everything. Whenever I surprised you, or when you managed to do something to help, you sometimes… just for a second, and only every once in a while, but you looked like yourself again. So, I figured… If that’s the case, then you can get better. You can be yourself again.”
“i…” You can’t argue what she says. “I don’t know if I can. I might really be gone for good.”
Her arm is around your shoulders, hugging you close. “That’s the kind of line that makes me sure I’m right. That kind of worry and compassion is the real Aiya, you know.”
“And even if I can, it might take forever… Even you’ll get sick of me before then.”
“I won’t.” She sounds firm, and without realizing it, your positions have been reversed. Now your head is on her shoulder, with her head leaning on yours, and her hand stroking through your hair. “I’ll never give up on you, okay? No matter what it takes, I’ll bring you back. Even if I have to bring the moons down myself, I’ll make sure you can be happy again. And until then, I’ll do anything I can to make things better for you. If sleeping with me feels like feeling, then we can do that whenever you want. If there’s anything you want to do, just tell me and we’ll do it. If you feel like being selfish, then you’ve got a lifetime’s worth of selfishness that you’ve never used to catch up on, so do it, and I’ll go with any whim you have. We can show you movies, and amusement parks, and games, and all the fun things you’ve missed out on until now. You’ll just get better, one step at a time, okay?”
“And…” She continues, a little quieter. “If, in the end, when you’re better, if you decide you’d rather be with someone else? That’s okay. All I want is for you to be happy, and us to be together. If not romantically, then as friends. You’re important to me, and I love you, so…”
You can feel her fingers slide through your hair, and the tension in your shoulders relaxes at the comfortable sensation. You need to say something, but… All you can think about is a memory stirring in your mind.
“... I really did love you.” You murmur quietly.
“Huh?” Her fingers pause in surprise.
“Back in high school… Maybe before. I don’t know. I had been in love with you for a long time. I was just scared… Afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for you. Afraid of my parents. Afraid of taking any risks.” It’s weird to talk about how you used to feel, with that sense of detachment from emotions. “I think… What I wanted then, was for you to push me. Even though I had rejected you, to tell me it would be okay, and that you wanted me enough to overcome all that.”
Yura starts to say something, but you just shake your head. “I know it was stupid. You never did anything I didn’t want And… I knew that. I knew you wouldn’t when I said it. I didn’t even realize that’s what I had wanted until after. I’m kind of a pathetic mess like that, you know? I can’t be honest about what I want. I don’t even know what I want. Can you deal with that?”
“I can. As long as it takes. No matter what I have to do.” You relax into the feeling of her fingers combing through your hair.
“... Thank you…” Is all you can make yourself say.