Gray Nightingale (Aiya) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
experiencepoints) wrote2015-07-21 09:49 am
experiencepoints) wrote2015-07-21 09:49 am
(no subject)
Sigpos(?): 22
Acquired: Day 158
Knut, Memory and Dare
The memory is, as every one from this time period, emotionally empty and muted. Emotional reactions just aren't happening, except when they are.
You've heard Yura on the phone a lot, these past few days. You don't know what's going on, but it seems like she's talking to Araj and Cove...
Even so, you don't think too much of it. They're her friends. Of course she'll talk to them- she's friendly. You're happy- No, you're not. Even trying to think about happiness just makes you feel a dull ache in your heart. But you feel something like a muted comfort. This is the way things should be. Yura sounds so happy when she talks to them- you can't make out what she's saying, and soon you find yourself asleep again, but still... It's comforting that she's happy, and that she's with them. The three of them should be together. It would be perfect if Yura didn't have to take care of you. If only you could just disappear, then surely she would be happier...
... Disappearing. That sounds right for you. You want to be released from this feeling, so if you could only vanish into the air... Don't think anymore. Don't be you anymore. Don't exist anymore.
But as you have that thought, you're brought out of your half-asleep state by Yura sitting down next to you. She smiles at you warmly, and you can only wonder what's going on as she slowly pets your hair.
"This weekend, I was thinking of inviting Cove and Araj over for a sleepover... What do you think?" She asks.
"This weekend...?" Is there something going on this weekend? No, she invites them for sleepovers sometimes, so it's not like it has to be anything special, but you don't even know what day it is right now. But of course, you put on your most convincing smile. "Of course. I'll look forward to seeing them."
"You don't have to pretend." She responds, the smile on her face looking somehow sad... "If you don't want to, it's okay. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
It clicks immediately. Of course, Yura remembers your date with Yutu. You sulked about it before with her, trying to pretend nothing was wrong...
"It's all right." You drop the fake smile- you wonder how you look when you do this? Can Yura see how little life is in your eyes? Is she worried?- "They're your friends. It's different from someone I don't know."
"They're your friends too." She reminds you gently.
You nod. You don't know how to respond.
"I'll let you know when they're coming, okay?" Ah... There it is. The worry in her eyes. You hate yourself a little more every time you see that look. Why can't you be good enough? Why do you have to make her worry?
The memory jumps. You're being woken up again by Yura. This time, it's a gentle shake. "Aiyaaa, they'll be here in an hour."
It takes you a moment to process, then you realize- It must be the weekend now. You take the fastest shower you've ever taken (your hair still won't dry in time but maybe it won't look like it?), you throw on some real clothes, and... you spend a few extra minutes in front of the mirror, trying to practice smiling. You want to convince them you're okay. But all of your smiles seem off, and you can't seem to fix it...
They arrive soon, anyway. Surprisingly, they arrive together- They must have met up somewhere along the way? They're even holding hands. You smile- And there is a sense of relief, but also dread. Inside, part of you is screaming. They're going to see how pathetic you are. They'll see how much of a drain you are on Yura. They're too kind to say anything to you about it, but they'll look down on you silently, and it's what you deserve.
You bury that and smile like you always do. You exchange pleasantries, though you don't talk much unless you're spoken to first. But, then, they all seem to be looking to you a lot... What's going on? They keep bringing things up- Old dungeons you ran together, new ones they want to run, and want you to go with them... They ask you for strategies and ideas. Your head feels like it's been stuffed full of cotton- You can't think, you can't answer, you want it to stop...
"Well, wait a minute, everyone!" Yura grins- She's stopped the conversation, thankfully. She must have noticed how uncomfortable you were. "It's going to get late soon, so why don't we give her presents now?"
Wait, what?
You look around in confusion, but Araj is smiling. "Good idea." She comments- Of course Araj is on top of things. But what's going on?
"Then, who first?" Yura smiles.
I will. Cove's voice echoes in your head, but she's looking at you- That's right, she can read your mind. Your confusion must be showing- Wait, but she only reads what you think at her, right? But you never figured out how to not think at someone.
"Wait... Sorry, but... Presents? Were we supposed to bring something like that...?" You finally ask, trying to maintain your smile, but even you can tell the confusion and worry is on your face. Fuck.
And the other three look at you in worry, too.
"... Aiya." Yura finally says gently. "Don't you know what today is?"
"Of course I do." It's a lie. You have no idea. Do you guess? Maybe you can... If you can smooth this over, then... "It's Dainsleif 20th, right?"
All three of them exchange worried glances. You feel the familiar knot forming in your stomach. Stop it- You don't want them to pity you. You don't want to worry them.
"Aiya..." Araj leans over and lightly touches your shoulder. "It's already the seventh. Of Nandaka."
You're stunned- you were weeks off. But... What's that date? What's so important about Nandaka 7th that-
Oh. It's... your birthday.
You look so shocked that the others move in closer to you in worry. But how could it already be...?
"You really didn't realize?" Araj asks in concern. You try to shake your head, maybe you could play it off as a joke, but-
She didn't. Ah, right. Cove can read your mind.
"Sorry." You smile, but it's strained. "I just haven't been doing anything lately, so I've lost track of time a bit..."
Are you all right? It's a horrible question to hear from someone who knows the answer already.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." You try to wave it off. "I'm just a little tired still."
It's Araj who moves first, pulling you into a hug. "It's okay." She says. "We're here for you."
After a moment, you feel other arms around you- Even Cove has joined in. She doesn't know you as well as the others, but even you can tell she wants to help. You can feel their warmth, and... it even feels like you can feel their affection, their desire to help. And of course Yura's on top to try to hug everyone at once. It's that little Yura-like touch that finally gets something to happen...
You laugh.
Well, it's barely a laugh. It's more like a soft giggle. But everyone jerks back in surprise- yourself included. You... What was that? Did you just...
"Aiya?"
"I- Um- I'm sorry-" You don't know what's going on, but you feel something strange in your heart. It's like... a tiny splash of color in the dull gray of your life. You can feel their warmth- their love for you, like they're giving some life into your dying heart.
"Aiya, you're crying."
You reach up to touch your own eyes reflexively- You hadn't even noticed. You're crying? Why are you crying? It's shameful to cry- You shouldn't cry, not in front of them, you don't want to worry them!
"I- I'm sorry." You say quickly, wiping at your eyes. "I don't know why... I'm sure it will stop soon, so..."
"It's all right!" Yura's hug around the group tightens, pushing everyone closer into you. "It's not a bad thing."
"It's not?"
You're feeling again. Cove says, as blunt as ever. It's relieving to hear.
"Huh? Cove, does that mean she wasn't feeling anything before?"
Cove says nothing. You can't see well through the tears blurring your vision, but you can see she's looking at you. She's... not going to say it without your permission.
"I... wasn't." You admit. "I don't think I have for... a long time." You take a deep, shuddery breath. "Maybe I'm not okay."
It hurts to admit it. You can't be weak. You can't let yourself be weak. You can't cause inconvenience for others. Every lesson your parents ever taught you blasts through your head at full force- You have to be perfect, or you're worthless, and a perfect person doesn't need help, a perfect person can't be weak-
But they don't mind. All three of them hold you tight as you cry, offering the comfort of their warmth.
"It's okay. We love you."
The words pierce, and you don't know what to do. You can't help but feel like that's wrong. It's not okay. Someone like you shouldn't be loved-
You deserve it. Cove's voice cuts right through your thoughts. You deserve all the comfort we can give you. Do not feel otherwise. ... Of course, she can see right through to your heart.
“Happy birthday, Aiya.”
You cry for a while longer, before you finally regain your composure, and... you manage a smile. It's a smile filled with gratitude and warmth, and it's the first genuine one you've shown them in a long time. The mood spreads, and the four of you last on into the night with food and games and movies. It's winter outside, but the room is filled with nothing but warmth and happiness. (Yura’s got her menu out and snaps a few pictures, and you can’t even bring yourself to mind..)
The presents finally start. Araj got you a special hairclip- It’s beautiful, with golden flower designs (and when equipped, it cuts your MP cost by 25%, how did she get something like this?). Cove's gotten you a staff- A unique one. Made from beautiful coral, it's not something merfolk who can't use magic use... It may be the only one like it in the world. Your breath catches from thinking about that.
Yura’s gift comes last. It’s a beautiful black robe- No, entire equipment set. Gloves, boots, and a hat, too, all with a star pattern forming magic circles…
You realize with a start what this means- Your weapon, your accessory, you’ve had all of your equipment upgraded by this. You have to wonder…
“Did you plan these?”
Araj and Yura look away, but Cove just nods. It was Yura’s idea.
“Ah, hey-!” Yura grabs Araj. “It wasn’t just me, Araj helped us all find everything!”
“Wait-!” Araj protests in surprise at being put on the spot (and probably more than a little surprise at being pulled in front of Yura). She looks away, embarrassed. “Well… You always seemed happiest when you were adventuring with us, so we thought maybe this might help…”
“That’s right!” Yura chimes in. “So… Want to go adventuring with us again soon?”
You’re too choked up for words, but you don’t think you can cry anymore, so you just nod. With a cheer from Yura (and a quieter one from the other two), the party continues into the night.
Eventually, everyone’s asleep. You stay up latest of all, having woken up latest, and also not wanting to go to sleep just yet. You worry that when you wake up, it will have all been just a dream…
Even so, you do sleep. You sleep, and perhaps for the first time, the nightmares don’t come. You wake up the next morning- last, of course, everyone else is already up- and you very nearly despair.
The emptiness is back. You try futilely to recall how yesterday felt, but you can’t manage. It’s going to crush you again, but...
Dimly, you realize it’s not quite the same. It’s not like before- you know you don’t deserve it, but you also know you’re loved. And that things can get better. Maybe not all at once, maybe not a lot better, and maybe not for a long time yet, but… You’re not broken forever.
And now, you don’t want to disappear anymore.
Notes:
- Aiya wasn't paying attention to it at all, or more like she was completely incapable of noticing, but Araj and Cove had kind of a mood going on when they showed up. They were holding hands for fuck's sake.
- When they're talking together, Araj and Cove seem uncomfortable, but they're trying to engage, too. They're concerned, but they're not exactly extroverts themselves, so it's really strained and awkward.
- menus: basically phones
- she’s having feelings again help
Acquired: Day 158
Knut, Memory and Dare
The memory is, as every one from this time period, emotionally empty and muted. Emotional reactions just aren't happening, except when they are.
You've heard Yura on the phone a lot, these past few days. You don't know what's going on, but it seems like she's talking to Araj and Cove...
Even so, you don't think too much of it. They're her friends. Of course she'll talk to them- she's friendly. You're happy- No, you're not. Even trying to think about happiness just makes you feel a dull ache in your heart. But you feel something like a muted comfort. This is the way things should be. Yura sounds so happy when she talks to them- you can't make out what she's saying, and soon you find yourself asleep again, but still... It's comforting that she's happy, and that she's with them. The three of them should be together. It would be perfect if Yura didn't have to take care of you. If only you could just disappear, then surely she would be happier...
... Disappearing. That sounds right for you. You want to be released from this feeling, so if you could only vanish into the air... Don't think anymore. Don't be you anymore. Don't exist anymore.
But as you have that thought, you're brought out of your half-asleep state by Yura sitting down next to you. She smiles at you warmly, and you can only wonder what's going on as she slowly pets your hair.
"This weekend, I was thinking of inviting Cove and Araj over for a sleepover... What do you think?" She asks.
"This weekend...?" Is there something going on this weekend? No, she invites them for sleepovers sometimes, so it's not like it has to be anything special, but you don't even know what day it is right now. But of course, you put on your most convincing smile. "Of course. I'll look forward to seeing them."
"You don't have to pretend." She responds, the smile on her face looking somehow sad... "If you don't want to, it's okay. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
It clicks immediately. Of course, Yura remembers your date with Yutu. You sulked about it before with her, trying to pretend nothing was wrong...
"It's all right." You drop the fake smile- you wonder how you look when you do this? Can Yura see how little life is in your eyes? Is she worried?- "They're your friends. It's different from someone I don't know."
"They're your friends too." She reminds you gently.
You nod. You don't know how to respond.
"I'll let you know when they're coming, okay?" Ah... There it is. The worry in her eyes. You hate yourself a little more every time you see that look. Why can't you be good enough? Why do you have to make her worry?
The memory jumps. You're being woken up again by Yura. This time, it's a gentle shake. "Aiyaaa, they'll be here in an hour."
It takes you a moment to process, then you realize- It must be the weekend now. You take the fastest shower you've ever taken (your hair still won't dry in time but maybe it won't look like it?), you throw on some real clothes, and... you spend a few extra minutes in front of the mirror, trying to practice smiling. You want to convince them you're okay. But all of your smiles seem off, and you can't seem to fix it...
They arrive soon, anyway. Surprisingly, they arrive together- They must have met up somewhere along the way? They're even holding hands. You smile- And there is a sense of relief, but also dread. Inside, part of you is screaming. They're going to see how pathetic you are. They'll see how much of a drain you are on Yura. They're too kind to say anything to you about it, but they'll look down on you silently, and it's what you deserve.
You bury that and smile like you always do. You exchange pleasantries, though you don't talk much unless you're spoken to first. But, then, they all seem to be looking to you a lot... What's going on? They keep bringing things up- Old dungeons you ran together, new ones they want to run, and want you to go with them... They ask you for strategies and ideas. Your head feels like it's been stuffed full of cotton- You can't think, you can't answer, you want it to stop...
"Well, wait a minute, everyone!" Yura grins- She's stopped the conversation, thankfully. She must have noticed how uncomfortable you were. "It's going to get late soon, so why don't we give her presents now?"
Wait, what?
You look around in confusion, but Araj is smiling. "Good idea." She comments- Of course Araj is on top of things. But what's going on?
"Then, who first?" Yura smiles.
I will. Cove's voice echoes in your head, but she's looking at you- That's right, she can read your mind. Your confusion must be showing- Wait, but she only reads what you think at her, right? But you never figured out how to not think at someone.
"Wait... Sorry, but... Presents? Were we supposed to bring something like that...?" You finally ask, trying to maintain your smile, but even you can tell the confusion and worry is on your face. Fuck.
And the other three look at you in worry, too.
"... Aiya." Yura finally says gently. "Don't you know what today is?"
"Of course I do." It's a lie. You have no idea. Do you guess? Maybe you can... If you can smooth this over, then... "It's Dainsleif 20th, right?"
All three of them exchange worried glances. You feel the familiar knot forming in your stomach. Stop it- You don't want them to pity you. You don't want to worry them.
"Aiya..." Araj leans over and lightly touches your shoulder. "It's already the seventh. Of Nandaka."
You're stunned- you were weeks off. But... What's that date? What's so important about Nandaka 7th that-
Oh. It's... your birthday.
You look so shocked that the others move in closer to you in worry. But how could it already be...?
"You really didn't realize?" Araj asks in concern. You try to shake your head, maybe you could play it off as a joke, but-
She didn't. Ah, right. Cove can read your mind.
"Sorry." You smile, but it's strained. "I just haven't been doing anything lately, so I've lost track of time a bit..."
Are you all right? It's a horrible question to hear from someone who knows the answer already.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." You try to wave it off. "I'm just a little tired still."
It's Araj who moves first, pulling you into a hug. "It's okay." She says. "We're here for you."
After a moment, you feel other arms around you- Even Cove has joined in. She doesn't know you as well as the others, but even you can tell she wants to help. You can feel their warmth, and... it even feels like you can feel their affection, their desire to help. And of course Yura's on top to try to hug everyone at once. It's that little Yura-like touch that finally gets something to happen...
You laugh.
Well, it's barely a laugh. It's more like a soft giggle. But everyone jerks back in surprise- yourself included. You... What was that? Did you just...
"Aiya?"
"I- Um- I'm sorry-" You don't know what's going on, but you feel something strange in your heart. It's like... a tiny splash of color in the dull gray of your life. You can feel their warmth- their love for you, like they're giving some life into your dying heart.
"Aiya, you're crying."
You reach up to touch your own eyes reflexively- You hadn't even noticed. You're crying? Why are you crying? It's shameful to cry- You shouldn't cry, not in front of them, you don't want to worry them!
"I- I'm sorry." You say quickly, wiping at your eyes. "I don't know why... I'm sure it will stop soon, so..."
"It's all right!" Yura's hug around the group tightens, pushing everyone closer into you. "It's not a bad thing."
"It's not?"
You're feeling again. Cove says, as blunt as ever. It's relieving to hear.
"Huh? Cove, does that mean she wasn't feeling anything before?"
Cove says nothing. You can't see well through the tears blurring your vision, but you can see she's looking at you. She's... not going to say it without your permission.
"I... wasn't." You admit. "I don't think I have for... a long time." You take a deep, shuddery breath. "Maybe I'm not okay."
It hurts to admit it. You can't be weak. You can't let yourself be weak. You can't cause inconvenience for others. Every lesson your parents ever taught you blasts through your head at full force- You have to be perfect, or you're worthless, and a perfect person doesn't need help, a perfect person can't be weak-
But they don't mind. All three of them hold you tight as you cry, offering the comfort of their warmth.
"It's okay. We love you."
The words pierce, and you don't know what to do. You can't help but feel like that's wrong. It's not okay. Someone like you shouldn't be loved-
You deserve it. Cove's voice cuts right through your thoughts. You deserve all the comfort we can give you. Do not feel otherwise. ... Of course, she can see right through to your heart.
“Happy birthday, Aiya.”
You cry for a while longer, before you finally regain your composure, and... you manage a smile. It's a smile filled with gratitude and warmth, and it's the first genuine one you've shown them in a long time. The mood spreads, and the four of you last on into the night with food and games and movies. It's winter outside, but the room is filled with nothing but warmth and happiness. (Yura’s got her menu out and snaps a few pictures, and you can’t even bring yourself to mind..)
The presents finally start. Araj got you a special hairclip- It’s beautiful, with golden flower designs (and when equipped, it cuts your MP cost by 25%, how did she get something like this?). Cove's gotten you a staff- A unique one. Made from beautiful coral, it's not something merfolk who can't use magic use... It may be the only one like it in the world. Your breath catches from thinking about that.
Yura’s gift comes last. It’s a beautiful black robe- No, entire equipment set. Gloves, boots, and a hat, too, all with a star pattern forming magic circles…
You realize with a start what this means- Your weapon, your accessory, you’ve had all of your equipment upgraded by this. You have to wonder…
“Did you plan these?”
Araj and Yura look away, but Cove just nods. It was Yura’s idea.
“Ah, hey-!” Yura grabs Araj. “It wasn’t just me, Araj helped us all find everything!”
“Wait-!” Araj protests in surprise at being put on the spot (and probably more than a little surprise at being pulled in front of Yura). She looks away, embarrassed. “Well… You always seemed happiest when you were adventuring with us, so we thought maybe this might help…”
“That’s right!” Yura chimes in. “So… Want to go adventuring with us again soon?”
You’re too choked up for words, but you don’t think you can cry anymore, so you just nod. With a cheer from Yura (and a quieter one from the other two), the party continues into the night.
Eventually, everyone’s asleep. You stay up latest of all, having woken up latest, and also not wanting to go to sleep just yet. You worry that when you wake up, it will have all been just a dream…
Even so, you do sleep. You sleep, and perhaps for the first time, the nightmares don’t come. You wake up the next morning- last, of course, everyone else is already up- and you very nearly despair.
The emptiness is back. You try futilely to recall how yesterday felt, but you can’t manage. It’s going to crush you again, but...
Dimly, you realize it’s not quite the same. It’s not like before- you know you don’t deserve it, but you also know you’re loved. And that things can get better. Maybe not all at once, maybe not a lot better, and maybe not for a long time yet, but… You’re not broken forever.
And now, you don’t want to disappear anymore.
Notes:
- Aiya wasn't paying attention to it at all, or more like she was completely incapable of noticing, but Araj and Cove had kind of a mood going on when they showed up. They were holding hands for fuck's sake.
- When they're talking together, Araj and Cove seem uncomfortable, but they're trying to engage, too. They're concerned, but they're not exactly extroverts themselves, so it's really strained and awkward.
- menus: basically phones
- she’s having feelings again help