Gray Nightingale (Aiya) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
experiencepoints) wrote2015-04-01 10:14 am
experiencepoints) wrote2015-04-01 10:14 am
(no subject)
Signeg: Hunger is a feeling.
Regained: Day 136
Eden, Stoner Bingo
Hunger is the only thing you've felt in a long time.
You've lost weight recently, you know. That worries Yura, and she tells you you can always have whatever is in the kitchen, and she buys a lot more food lately, but you don't care. That hunger is the last tiny scrap of pride you have- You're freeloading off of her, you'll eat with her when she's around in the evenings, but you won't just raid her kitchen and become even more of a parasite. Even though you're not sure why not... After all, you're already just a drain on her. But then, getting up to eat is effort you don't have in you. That's probably the only reason you haven't thrown away even that bit of stupid pride- Even getting up to make the gnawing in your stomach cease is too much.
Instead, you sleep. Whenever Yura's not around. You don't want to be conscious anymore. When you're awake, you can't do anything, and you sit around, aware of how much of a failure you are. Worthless, dropout, freeloader...
You sleep. You knock yourself out with Sleep magic a lot of the time, because that way, you don't have dreams- the sleep doesn't last that long that way. Of course, you've tried using that in place of normal sleep, but Yura made you stop when you went a few days like that, so exhausted you looked to be on the brink of death. You thought that was fine- While you were unconscious, at least, you weren't like this. Being asleep without dreams is the only reprieve you get from yourself.
But when you sleep the normal way, the nightmares start. You've always had them, but these are new. Yura finally having enough of you, and kicking you out. Araj rejecting you. Cove leaving you. What's left for you? But even as you watch these nightmares, you feel detached and numb- those dreams are the way things should be. How selfish it is of you to keep imposing like this... But, whatever. You can't feel anything about that. Even guilt is numb to you now.
Your parents call sometimes, and you don't answer- you let it ring over to voicemail, then call back later, pretending you were busy with something. They don't believe it. Your mother asks you, busy with what? After all, you're still just freeloading off of that girl.
It's true.
Whenever Yura's around, you try to fake being normal still. You smile when she smiles (how do you smile? it's hard to remember), you laugh when she says something funny (or you try to sound like you are), you express sympathy when something bad happens (or you say you do, but how does that feel? how do you empathize with someone when feelings sound foreign to you?). But the way she looks at you sometimes, you can tell she doesn't always believe it. Or, maybe she doesn't ever.
Her last-ditch effort to help you eat involves asking you to make food. You haven't in so long, and she misses your cooking, you're so great at it!, she implores. She sets aside some ingredients, which you note divided between two people... would be a very large portion for both of them. You try to tell her that's too much, but she shakes her head and tells you it's just the right amount.
You can't argue. You start cooking mechanically, your body on autopilot, not paying attention to what you're doing at all- Your mind is looping in on itself again, blandly cursing yourself for being such a worry to her. You start chopping vegetables, then...
"Ow-!"
Yura practically dashes in, tail puffed up in panic, looking at you in alarm. You don't blame her- That was the first time you raised your voice- or, come to think of it, wasn't that the first time you said anything that wasn't prompted by her in a long time? You stare at the bleeding cut on your finger. It hurts. How does something so small hurt so much? You've taken way worse hits in dungeons, but...
You're still trying to understand what's going on- That pain hurts, but it's... feeling. You really, really want to do something about it, but you're afraid if you move, if you do, that desire- that feeling will vanish, and you'll lose it again... You're only dimly surprised, then, when Yura grabs your hand to check it, kisses the cut, then casts Cure to fix it. "Come on, wash the blood off." she tells you, sticking your finger under the faucet- and, it's cold, you shiver and pull back.
You dry your hand off and return to cooking, but now you're even more distracted. The Cure felt nice- of course it did, healing magic feels nice. But then, in a way, so did the rest, because at least it was feeling. You may not be able to feel emotions properly anymore, but maybe you can substitute physical stimulus for that? You wonder if it's worth the effort- it sounds like more effort than just staying asleep would be. But...
Your mind continues in circles, but you actually do eat a decent portion this time, with Yura.
But it's not very good at all.
Notes: This takes place before the phone call where she cut her parents out.
Regained: Day 136
Eden, Stoner Bingo
Hunger is the only thing you've felt in a long time.
You've lost weight recently, you know. That worries Yura, and she tells you you can always have whatever is in the kitchen, and she buys a lot more food lately, but you don't care. That hunger is the last tiny scrap of pride you have- You're freeloading off of her, you'll eat with her when she's around in the evenings, but you won't just raid her kitchen and become even more of a parasite. Even though you're not sure why not... After all, you're already just a drain on her. But then, getting up to eat is effort you don't have in you. That's probably the only reason you haven't thrown away even that bit of stupid pride- Even getting up to make the gnawing in your stomach cease is too much.
Instead, you sleep. Whenever Yura's not around. You don't want to be conscious anymore. When you're awake, you can't do anything, and you sit around, aware of how much of a failure you are. Worthless, dropout, freeloader...
You sleep. You knock yourself out with Sleep magic a lot of the time, because that way, you don't have dreams- the sleep doesn't last that long that way. Of course, you've tried using that in place of normal sleep, but Yura made you stop when you went a few days like that, so exhausted you looked to be on the brink of death. You thought that was fine- While you were unconscious, at least, you weren't like this. Being asleep without dreams is the only reprieve you get from yourself.
But when you sleep the normal way, the nightmares start. You've always had them, but these are new. Yura finally having enough of you, and kicking you out. Araj rejecting you. Cove leaving you. What's left for you? But even as you watch these nightmares, you feel detached and numb- those dreams are the way things should be. How selfish it is of you to keep imposing like this... But, whatever. You can't feel anything about that. Even guilt is numb to you now.
Your parents call sometimes, and you don't answer- you let it ring over to voicemail, then call back later, pretending you were busy with something. They don't believe it. Your mother asks you, busy with what? After all, you're still just freeloading off of that girl.
It's true.
Whenever Yura's around, you try to fake being normal still. You smile when she smiles (how do you smile? it's hard to remember), you laugh when she says something funny (or you try to sound like you are), you express sympathy when something bad happens (or you say you do, but how does that feel? how do you empathize with someone when feelings sound foreign to you?). But the way she looks at you sometimes, you can tell she doesn't always believe it. Or, maybe she doesn't ever.
Her last-ditch effort to help you eat involves asking you to make food. You haven't in so long, and she misses your cooking, you're so great at it!, she implores. She sets aside some ingredients, which you note divided between two people... would be a very large portion for both of them. You try to tell her that's too much, but she shakes her head and tells you it's just the right amount.
You can't argue. You start cooking mechanically, your body on autopilot, not paying attention to what you're doing at all- Your mind is looping in on itself again, blandly cursing yourself for being such a worry to her. You start chopping vegetables, then...
"Ow-!"
Yura practically dashes in, tail puffed up in panic, looking at you in alarm. You don't blame her- That was the first time you raised your voice- or, come to think of it, wasn't that the first time you said anything that wasn't prompted by her in a long time? You stare at the bleeding cut on your finger. It hurts. How does something so small hurt so much? You've taken way worse hits in dungeons, but...
You're still trying to understand what's going on- That pain hurts, but it's... feeling. You really, really want to do something about it, but you're afraid if you move, if you do, that desire- that feeling will vanish, and you'll lose it again... You're only dimly surprised, then, when Yura grabs your hand to check it, kisses the cut, then casts Cure to fix it. "Come on, wash the blood off." she tells you, sticking your finger under the faucet- and, it's cold, you shiver and pull back.
You dry your hand off and return to cooking, but now you're even more distracted. The Cure felt nice- of course it did, healing magic feels nice. But then, in a way, so did the rest, because at least it was feeling. You may not be able to feel emotions properly anymore, but maybe you can substitute physical stimulus for that? You wonder if it's worth the effort- it sounds like more effort than just staying asleep would be. But...
Your mind continues in circles, but you actually do eat a decent portion this time, with Yura.
But it's not very good at all.
Notes: This takes place before the phone call where she cut her parents out.