Gray Nightingale (Aiya) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
experiencepoints) wrote2014-10-14 11:51 pm
experiencepoints) wrote2014-10-14 11:51 pm
(no subject)
Signeg: The fight with her mother.
This memory is permeated by a dull, gray feeling, smothering out any others. Everything feels hopeless and pointless, she’s just going through the motions so she won’t upset her friends, but she can’t feel anything anymore. This whole memory is spent in deep depression.
It’s past noon when Aiya finally gets out of bed- Yura’s bed, in Yura’s apartment. Yura herself has gone to her job, meaning Aiya is there alone for a while longer… She should at least help Yura out somewhat. She decides she’ll clean the apartment up for her- that would be something nice, easy, and it would help her earn her keep. She can’t just sit around and be useless forever…
After a long shower to try to energize herself (it fails to do so at all, and she ends up waiting until the water gets cold to get out) she rolls up her sleeves to get to work…. until she’s interrupted by her phone ringing. The simple short rings let her know immediately who’s calling before she picks it up, and the knowledge of that puts a pit in her stomach. She freezes up, and stares at the phone with a feeling of muted despair- just approaching the phone feels like a monumental effort, her body and mind both fighting her every step, screaming that she doesn’t want to do that. And it slows her down enough that it rolls over to voice mail…
Except it immediately starts ringing again. With the pit in her stomach growing ever larger, she slowly picks up the phone and answers it with stiff arms, all energy drained from them… and as expected, her mother is on the other end.
“Hi, Mom.” She forces her voice to sound normal, and does a fairly good job of it. She’s had a lot of practice at faking this, after all.
“Hello, Aiya.” Her mother replies, and they trade pleasantries for a bit- simple ‘how are you’, ‘how are things going’, until her mother cuts right to the point Aiya knows she was going for the whole time.
“Do you have a job yet?” She asks in a pleasant tone, disguising the feelings of disappointment Aiya can detect regardless.
“... No, not yet.” She has to admit, the knot in her gut tightening. “Nowhere around here is hiring.”
“So you’re still just freeloading off of- her?” The disapproving tone returns somewhat.
“... You know her name, mother. She’s Yura.” Despite the anxiety and fear and depression, there’s a small dull throb of something- not quite the real thing, but an echo of anger, the anger she should be having here, but doesn’t want to have at her mother… “And yes… Yura is still kindly taking care of me for now.”
“You should know it’s not good to take advantage of someone’s kindness like that.” Her mother responds neutrally. “Why don’t you move back in with us?”
Because I’d go completely insane if I did. She doesn’t say that aloud, though, instead opting for what she hopes will pacify her better: “There are more job opportunities over here…”
“Are you even searching for those opportunities?” Those accusing words cause Aiya to flinch like she’d been struck. “If you’re determined to be taken care of like this, at least come back for a while. Some of your father’s friends have children your age you could date, you might find one to marry soon.”
“Is that- What? You just want me to get married?” Aiya’s voice remains neutral, but she can hardly believe what she’s hearing.
“You seem to be enjoying your life as a housewife so far…” The disapproval in her words is evident. “But these other suitors are very good- Human, for one, and they’re quite high-level, they’d be very reliable.”
That echo of anger returns, even moreso, but is promptly drowned out in despair. That’s all her mother wants or expects out of her, anymore. She just wants her to get married so she just officially won’t be her problem anymore. That’s all Aiya’s good for. Everything she wants to say, all the anger she wants to express, the helplessness at having this decided for her, the sadness that this is all her own mother thinks of her, everything she knows she should be feeling is just crushed under the gray, dull despair.
But even so...
“... I’m twenty-one, mother.”
“Your father and I were engaged by that age.”
“I can make my own decisions.”
“Of course, dear, but we want to help you.”
“Yeah… You want me to not be your problem anymore.”
She hadn’t meant to say it, it slipped out on its own, but… For some reason, she couldn’t feel bad about it. Her mother doesn’t even reply at all for a moment, leaving a stunned silence, until…
“Excuse me?” is all she can seem to muster in reply.
“Am I wrong?” Please, I want to be wrong, say that I’m wrong-
“You know we only want the best for you. We’re trying to give you a good life!”
… She isn’t denying it. At that moment, Aiya feels herself sinking further into that gray feeling… to the point where she can’t even care anymore. The anxiety, the twisting feelings in her gut, even that echo of anger, everything just seems to fade away into apathy.
“You’re trying to give me your good life.” She mutters into the phone.
“What?”
“You want what’s best for me, but you can’t even be bothered to remember the name of the one who’s always cared about me, more than you ever have? Or you remember it, but you just won’t respect either of us enough to use it?”
“How dare-”
“Forget it.” For the first time in her life, she interrupts her mother. “I don’t care anymore. I’m not moving back, and I’m not getting married, so we don’t really have anything to talk about. Bye. Don’t call back.”
With that, she hangs up and throws the phone across the room. She looks around at the messy room she had been about to clean… but why bother, now? It’s too much effort.
She drags herself back to the bedroom and flops back into bed. She’s laying on her still-wet hair, but moving or drying it would be too much effort. She can just stay like this… Maybe forever. Never moving, never seeing anyone, never feeling anything… That’s the only future that she could bear at this point. Living is just too much effort.
This memory is permeated by a dull, gray feeling, smothering out any others. Everything feels hopeless and pointless, she’s just going through the motions so she won’t upset her friends, but she can’t feel anything anymore. This whole memory is spent in deep depression.
It’s past noon when Aiya finally gets out of bed- Yura’s bed, in Yura’s apartment. Yura herself has gone to her job, meaning Aiya is there alone for a while longer… She should at least help Yura out somewhat. She decides she’ll clean the apartment up for her- that would be something nice, easy, and it would help her earn her keep. She can’t just sit around and be useless forever…
After a long shower to try to energize herself (it fails to do so at all, and she ends up waiting until the water gets cold to get out) she rolls up her sleeves to get to work…. until she’s interrupted by her phone ringing. The simple short rings let her know immediately who’s calling before she picks it up, and the knowledge of that puts a pit in her stomach. She freezes up, and stares at the phone with a feeling of muted despair- just approaching the phone feels like a monumental effort, her body and mind both fighting her every step, screaming that she doesn’t want to do that. And it slows her down enough that it rolls over to voice mail…
Except it immediately starts ringing again. With the pit in her stomach growing ever larger, she slowly picks up the phone and answers it with stiff arms, all energy drained from them… and as expected, her mother is on the other end.
“Hi, Mom.” She forces her voice to sound normal, and does a fairly good job of it. She’s had a lot of practice at faking this, after all.
“Hello, Aiya.” Her mother replies, and they trade pleasantries for a bit- simple ‘how are you’, ‘how are things going’, until her mother cuts right to the point Aiya knows she was going for the whole time.
“Do you have a job yet?” She asks in a pleasant tone, disguising the feelings of disappointment Aiya can detect regardless.
“... No, not yet.” She has to admit, the knot in her gut tightening. “Nowhere around here is hiring.”
“So you’re still just freeloading off of- her?” The disapproving tone returns somewhat.
“... You know her name, mother. She’s Yura.” Despite the anxiety and fear and depression, there’s a small dull throb of something- not quite the real thing, but an echo of anger, the anger she should be having here, but doesn’t want to have at her mother… “And yes… Yura is still kindly taking care of me for now.”
“You should know it’s not good to take advantage of someone’s kindness like that.” Her mother responds neutrally. “Why don’t you move back in with us?”
Because I’d go completely insane if I did. She doesn’t say that aloud, though, instead opting for what she hopes will pacify her better: “There are more job opportunities over here…”
“Are you even searching for those opportunities?” Those accusing words cause Aiya to flinch like she’d been struck. “If you’re determined to be taken care of like this, at least come back for a while. Some of your father’s friends have children your age you could date, you might find one to marry soon.”
“Is that- What? You just want me to get married?” Aiya’s voice remains neutral, but she can hardly believe what she’s hearing.
“You seem to be enjoying your life as a housewife so far…” The disapproval in her words is evident. “But these other suitors are very good- Human, for one, and they’re quite high-level, they’d be very reliable.”
That echo of anger returns, even moreso, but is promptly drowned out in despair. That’s all her mother wants or expects out of her, anymore. She just wants her to get married so she just officially won’t be her problem anymore. That’s all Aiya’s good for. Everything she wants to say, all the anger she wants to express, the helplessness at having this decided for her, the sadness that this is all her own mother thinks of her, everything she knows she should be feeling is just crushed under the gray, dull despair.
But even so...
“... I’m twenty-one, mother.”
“Your father and I were engaged by that age.”
“I can make my own decisions.”
“Of course, dear, but we want to help you.”
“Yeah… You want me to not be your problem anymore.”
She hadn’t meant to say it, it slipped out on its own, but… For some reason, she couldn’t feel bad about it. Her mother doesn’t even reply at all for a moment, leaving a stunned silence, until…
“Excuse me?” is all she can seem to muster in reply.
“Am I wrong?” Please, I want to be wrong, say that I’m wrong-
“You know we only want the best for you. We’re trying to give you a good life!”
… She isn’t denying it. At that moment, Aiya feels herself sinking further into that gray feeling… to the point where she can’t even care anymore. The anxiety, the twisting feelings in her gut, even that echo of anger, everything just seems to fade away into apathy.
“You’re trying to give me your good life.” She mutters into the phone.
“What?”
“You want what’s best for me, but you can’t even be bothered to remember the name of the one who’s always cared about me, more than you ever have? Or you remember it, but you just won’t respect either of us enough to use it?”
“How dare-”
“Forget it.” For the first time in her life, she interrupts her mother. “I don’t care anymore. I’m not moving back, and I’m not getting married, so we don’t really have anything to talk about. Bye. Don’t call back.”
With that, she hangs up and throws the phone across the room. She looks around at the messy room she had been about to clean… but why bother, now? It’s too much effort.
She drags herself back to the bedroom and flops back into bed. She’s laying on her still-wet hair, but moving or drying it would be too much effort. She can just stay like this… Maybe forever. Never moving, never seeing anyone, never feeling anything… That’s the only future that she could bear at this point. Living is just too much effort.